Sunday, 5 October 2008

Top 5 Stevenote hack-clichés

As Apple's October 14 event ineluctably approaches, serious Apple-followers must steal themselves for the pompous, posturing mainstream hacks who will be shortly arriving on our turf, burning the lawn with their barbecues and leaving cigarette butts on the stoop when they leave. Yes, Stevenote season is upon us.

Whilst Steve Jobs may have his own unique style, the hacks who cover his keynotes certainly don't. Almost without exception, they all trot out the same hackneyed clichés every time they receive one of those cherished Apple invites. Of course, as an IT hack, it's essential to effect an air of nonchalance, as if an Apple keynote is just another event - not dissimilar to any other company's product launch. When in fact, the truth is that as they're waiting in the darkened auditorium for Steve to take to the stage, their actual mental state more resembles that of a twelve year old girl before a Hannah Montana concert. In order to cover their tracks and preserve their professional dignity, these gibbering hacks must pepper their dull prose with key phrases that at once separate them from us unwashed fan-boys, and provide them some seeming distance from the company - even if this is at the expense of the facts.

So, just for fun, I've compiled a top 5 of the worst:

1. "Apple Faithful"
I hate this term. It's a way for lazy jornos at these events to claim that they're not as pumped as the rest of us, whilst also making out that there's nothing special about this company, we're just idiots who drank the kool-aid.

2. "Famously Secretive"
Granted, Apple are secretive, but using these two words in relation to Apple is now soooo over-done, you wonder what the hacks writing this stuff are really being paid for.

3. "Mercurial CEO"
Most CEOs have a temper - it's a part of the job description if you're going to get things done. The funny thing is that this is not just a cliché, it's also about 10 years out of date. Anyone who really follows these things knows that Steve has mellowed since success and cancer.

4. "Reality Distortion Field"
This was funny a few decades ago, but we've all heard it a thousand times now. Also, it's another sneaky way for reporters to distance themselves from the rest of the crowd - 'of course, dear reader, I'm never taken in by all this sales hype' - yeah, right.

5. "Trademark Black Turtleneck"
So the guy wears a turtleneck. Get over it. Can this seriously still be news? Sure, there was that 1998 keynote at MacWorld Tokyo where he wore a suit, but still.